The Horror Library - The Best in Horror Fiction

Mini Movie Reviews
By R.J. Cavender

'Now, I don't want to give anything away'...
Mini Movie Reviews
by RJ Cavender

NOVEMBER 2005

RATINGS

- PUTRID TRASH

- THAT WHICH DOESN'T KILL YOU...

- EH. NOT TOO BAD. PASSABLE.

- VERY GOOD, IF NOT GREAT.

- INCREDIBLE, POSSIBLY A CLASSIC!

The Aristocrats (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this is without a doubt one of the best examples of overuse of profanity in a film EVER. And, it's wonderful. Sure, at times it plays like a one-note joke. After all, it's simply the same 'unfunny' joke being told over and over, and vamped on by a selection of every great living comedian out there. But, ultimately, I saw it as more of a history of blue comedy and an exercise in freedom of speech. Favorite minute in the film? About 15 minutes into it, when half the theater I was in left the showing. Talk about dividing an audience. Not many films pack this much of a punch. No violence. No nudity. Unspeakable profanity. Not so much a funny film, but a film about WHAT exactly IS funny...and what is considered 'over the top'. I saw this in the theater, but I think it's a better film to watch on your own or with someone with a sense of humor similar to your own. In the theater, there were moments where I actually stifled a laugh. In a way, that just defeats the whole purpose of the film. Quite possibly, the most obscene movie ever made. A true act of profanity and a history of comedy as we know it. Fuck yeah!

2LDK (2002)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this is one hilarious and brutal little gem. Imagine sharing space with someone you hate. Someone who hates you too. How far will you let a person push you before you fight back? A great character study and a wonderful achievement for a film that was shot in one locale, with two actresses, and filmed entirely in eight days. If you enjoy the feature, check out the 'making of' featurette. It's a great sneak peek into independent film making, and gives a better appreciation of what this small film has accomplished and how it ever came to be in the first place. A lot of excessively violent fun!

One Missed Call (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this one was a effective modern creepfest. Sure, it had elements of Ringu, Dark Water, and Premonition(Yogen) but overall...this one had qualities and elements that made the entire 'you have a curse you need to figure out' genre seem new and exciting. What can I say, I've seen it all before...but this one had some new tricks in the bag. I'm sure the American remake will follow within the next year. It's inevitable. Not the best film I have ever seen by Takashi Miike, but still not at all a bad mainstream venture for the director.

Infection (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this Japanese flick has got a lot of splatter power, and some good old fashion suspense thrown in there to boot! A little confusing in parts, but overall a different sort of 'psychological/disaster/mystery/thriller'. Maybe it just wanted to be too many things at once, and ended up a tad diluted in the process. But, all in all, a very different film with some very fun and shocking sequences. A violent medical drama on hallucinogens.

Lightning Bug (2004)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this was an interesting indie film from first time director Robert Hall. I highly recommend watching the movie a second time with the commentary on. The story behind the film is just as interesting. It even tells how co-star Laura Prepon ("That 70's Show") stepped up and saved the day when the production was having problems. It really gives you a great insight into this semi-autobiographical tale. It's rare to hear a director express some of their doubts when listening to a commentary, and it's even rarer for them to actually list an e-mail address and ask for your input as to whether something worked or not. That's pretty interesting, I think Direct opinions from the viewing public. Overall a very interesting watch, both for the film and story behind it. Not so much a horror film, as a film about someone who loves the genre made by someone who loves the genre, but lives in a world that is cruel and much like our own. Not a perfect film, but a film that's got some perfect moments.

Dead and Breakfast (2004)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this film was simply goofy genius. It was totally idiotic in parts, but so clever in others. I found myself impressed by something new ever few minutes. As much slapstick as it is a self-deprecating send-up, this film plays on many levels and is overall a whole heap of zombie fun. Probably one of the better horror parodies out there. And it has a singing narrator! A great film to make into a drinking game! A smart and sarcastic zombie spoof.

Fangoria Blood Drive II (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this one was much better than the first collection of short films from Fangoria. Maybe it was the addition a 'sexy host' FUSE TV's Mistress Juliya, which was appreciated (watch the credits, she swears like a sailor), but something about this collection seems much more professional than the first installment of Blood Drive. Some of the short films were really great, while others didn't quite hit the mark. But, the percentage of ones that really were effective far outweigh the ones that were duds. Totally worth the rental. A glimpse of what's to come from the next wave of young creepsters.

Satan's Little Helper (2004)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this one was...odd. On some levels, I really liked this film. But, the kid who stared in this film was just...annoying at times. It takes quite a bit to be an effective child actor in a horror film. In some ways, the boy in this film is very effective...but in other ways, he just detracts from the film by being nothing more than a squeaky little counterpart. Overall, not a bad film...but it had a lot more potential than it ever had a chance to live up to. Not a bad rental for Halloween, though. Wouldn't make a bad drinking game.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...I don't really know how to feel about this one. On one hand, it's a bastardization of a series I appreciated up until a point. But, on the other hand, it's not really that bad of a horror flick on it's own. Maybe it's just time they lay Pinhead and the Cenobites to rest, if this is going to be their horrific fate. The world of Hellraiser used to be one of the darkest and depraved of them all, now it's been reduced to a paint-by-numbers Hollywood teen-flick with a wise-cracking Pinhead and a gaggle of teen meat puppets. Erase the elements of Hellraiser, and this would be halfway passable. But, to give the series this sort of treatment is simply wrong. Eight films is enough. Let's just hope they come to their senses before we get 'Pin head in Space'.

Undead (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this Aussie film wasn't exactly what I expected. In the trailers I'd seen, I was under the impression it was a rather dark horror film. It was really more like a parody, but not so much of a great parody. I don't know. It was passable. But, it was nowhere near as good as 'Shaun of the Dead' or 'Return of the Living Dead'. It just seemed like it lacked some heart. Some impressive special effects and some fast and fun sequences, but it's been done before and much better. Not a bad watch, but it seemed more like a missed opportunity to makes something bigger and better. Offbeat, at best...but missing a little something.

High Tension (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...this one held my full and total attention, nearly all the way through. Then it just totally dropped the ball in the last quarter. It's a shame when lazy writing ruins an entirely enjoyable film. That's just my opinion, of course. Could have been so much more than it was, but overall it was just another rerun of the same old thing. Some truly admirable moments, but overall I just felt cheated.

The Dead Next Door (1989)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...what once was regarded as 'the most expensive 8mm zombie film ever made' just doesn't hold up well to any decent current zombie film. Obviously, this group had an ambitious love for the zombie genre. The downside, that's about all they have. The acting is wooden at best, the script is ridiculous, and the 'on location' shoots were probably never approved, as so many public scenes were a fleeting few seconds of action. Is it fun to watch what a group of teenagers were able to produce with a camera and no budget in the late eighties? I suppose. Is it a movie that anyone but the biggest of fans of the horror genre will ever watch? Probably not. Some of the effects were quite ambitious and gory. Nothing you'd expect from a beginner in the eighties. But, ultimately this film is just an exercise in endurance.

Make Your Own Damn Movie (5-Disc Series) (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...I think I've begun to loose a little respect for Lloyd Kaufman. While I appreciate his sense of humor and candor, I also resent the fact that this collection could be very useful if made properly. I watched two of the five discs and called it quits. At least I rented it instead of buying. It seems like someone like Kaufman would have years of stories and loads of experience to share. But, when he ends a segment on how to earn funds for projects with asides about possibly giving oral favors instead of working hard and investing wisely, I had just about had enough. It's a shame, I really did think that heading Troma Films for this thirty years would give him some insight into the film world, the process in which films are made, and the artistry of cinema. It's seems all this industry has taught him is that 'there's a sucker born every minute.' I was disappointed. I expected more from Troma.

Cookers (2005)
Now, I don't want to give anything away, but...the synopsis of this film does not live up to what actually happens. I think this falls into a different category all together. It just seems like the film makers decided halfway through to make a different movie than the one they had on script. It started with all the trappings of a horror film, but ended with a vague and subtle conclusion. If I cared any more, I would actually try to figure it out. But, I don't. Ultimately, a waste of time.
Tweakers suck.